Moonflower Moments

 Brene Brown is a well-known social scientist who tracks patterns in human behavior and how it affects their lives.  In her quest to help people live a whole-hearted life, she guides the reader  to find a way to love ourselves for who we are and not who we think that we should be.  She takes the reader on a journey to embrace their worth through courage, compassion, and connection and to believe that they are “enough.”  In our fast-paced internet world where we can check in on other people’s lives, we see happy pictures of perfect families on exciting vacations and celebrating holidays with family photo smiles.  

Through her extensive research, she found that people who live a whole-hearted life have taken the time to dig deep into their lives.  When they feel exhausted and overwhelmed, they get deliberate in their thoughts and behaviors through mediation, prayer or setting their own intentions.  This allows them to become inspired to make new and different choices that they put into action.  Practicing courage, compassion and connection in our daily lives is how we cultivate worthiness, and it is a daily journey.

Why is it so difficult to develop compassion for ourselves?  Perhaps it is because we are unwilling to accept imperfection  in ourselves and embrace it.  While it is natural to feel compassion for someone who has trouble staying on course or has technical difficulties during a presentation, it is more difficult to give ourselves the same compassion if the same thing happened to us. This mindset requires courage, and that must be developed over time.

Brown helps the reader to understand that love and belonging are essential to the human experience.  She learned through her research that men and women who felt a deep sense of love and belonging felt that they were worthy of love and belonging.  How many times have told ourselves that if we could only lose fifteen pounds, get our book published, or be accepted into an organization and then our lives would be better? I remember when my son was in elementary school where he was a “gifted” student and I received a call from his fourth-grade teacher.  Because he regularly brought home perfect report cards, she wanted to inform me that he would be getting a “C” in social studies.  It seems as if he forgot to turn in a poster that had been assigned, even though he had completed the project.  She felt that he was getting lackadaisical in his assignments and needed to be reminded that all assignments were important to his education. 

While I agreed with her assessment, I pondered how I would handle the situation when he gave me his report card to review.  He listened patiently while I told him a story from my past regarding the one “C” that I received in high school that kept me out of honor society and how disappointed I was (and my parents) that I didn’t get to wear the gold cords that the students wore during graduation.  He then proceeded to tell me (with compassion and certainly courage) that he was so sorry that happened, but that I had gone on to have an amazing career and perhaps I should let that go now.  He also pointed out that it was a beautiful day, we were both healthy, and that I knew he would bring the grade up next time.  He had the courage, compassion, and connection to move forward at an early age, while I am still a work in progress.

To feel worthy, we must discuss the things that get in the way.  These include the bad actors of shame, fear, and vulnerability.  Shame is that feeling that makes us feel like we are small, flawed and never good enough.  It is believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.  We are afraid that if we own our stories , then people will think less of us.  Shame needs three things to get our lives out of control: secrecy, silence, and judgement.  To overcome shame, we must build resilience.  People who are resilient are more likely to seek help and believe that they can do something to help them manage their feelings.  They make connections with other people, have good problem-solving skills and social support available to them.

I probably go back to this book several times a year, whenever anxiety starts to overcome me, and my self-worth starts to dwindle.  I am constantly reminding myself that it takes courage every day to embrace my own authenticity, even if it means fear of rejection from my peers.  I have come to own my journey, to understand where shame comes from and to keep it at bay.  I guess that I am still learning the lesson that my son mastered when he handed me his report card.  Courage, compassion, and connection is the only way to fight the shame that comes from never being good enough. Thanks to Brene Brown,  I am finally embracing my gifts of imperfection.